Subtitle: Sex now?
I watch this show for relationships. With emphasis on “relation” more than “ship” – I have plenty of ships but I am meaning all the very many ways people relate to each other in the quirky little town of Storybrooke, Maine.
Storybrooke
We start with Ariel and Belle walking the docks in search of Eric. They remind me of Belle and Ruby when Belle was new and needed to be shown around and they remind me of Ariel and Snow when they were bonding over being separated from True Love ™. Moments of connection like these were the theme of the episode and I appreciate that the show shows lots of them in lots of little ways.
Anyway, Ariel and Belle find Eric chopping the heads off of fish. Ariel is worried it’s an analogy for his feelings towards her but the moment he sees her he sets his knife aside and gathers her up into a kiss of True Love ™. Belle watches on with joy for her friend’s happiness and longing for her own True Love ™. But as luck (or fate or plot convenience) would have it the Jolly Roger and her weary Neverland crew arrive just at this opportune moment.
Then everyone hugs everyone.
Snow realizes Regina is on the outside looking in (again) and tells everybody she did a lot of the heavy lifting on the journey and Regina makes this face:
Because she’s watched this show and is now on high alert for whatever horrible thing is now guaranteed to happen. And we all flashback to the pilot when Regina crashed the wedding and threatened Snowing and their kingdom.
Just after the Wedding Crash
Snow: Regina ruins everything always and I hate her! Charming: Okay, her toast was pretty bad but we're still married so yay? Snow: She ruined the wedding! Charming: We still have the honeymoon! Snow: RAGE Charming: SEX
This goes on for a while before Charming tells Snow they can go anywhere she wants for the honeymoon and she chooses her parents summer palace. She tells him it was where her parents had their honeymoon which is either convenient or a cover story but Charming believes her because he’s Charming and he doesn’t actually care where they go to have sex anyway. He skips away to get things ready and Grumpy pops in to confess he was eavesdropping. In turn Snow confesses she has a secret plan.
Back in Storybrooke
Panry has Felix arrested to get the Parents to trust him and think he’s scared of Pan and Pan’s Minions. Charming obliges and Felix is thrown in jail without anything resembling due process because Charming doesn’t know what that means and neither the Sheriff not the Mayor – aka the Moms – care.
They take the Pan Trap Pandora’s Box with Pan-but-really-Henry trapped inside to Gold’s shop where he hides it under the floor and seals it securely with magic that only he, or his death, can release. The Charmings + Regina find that suitably protected and Belle finds it super sexy.
Belle: The boy wasn't your undoing. Now you can stop thinking about prophecies and start thinking about the future. There are so many possible futures!
Rumple: The only one I care about is the one with you.
Aw. Sweeps week wedding?
Everybody else heads to Granny’s for a party.
Emma: Ta-da!
Panry: Wtf is this?
Emma’s Spidey senses start to tingle and Panry realizes he was just given the best way to understand every single person in this town (except Dr. Whale) and gets to reading.
Hook: I'm not gonna pursue the Lady Swan. I'm backing off for the sake of the boy. Neal: Really? Hook: His parents deserve a chance at happiness without a devilishly handsome pirate poking around. Neal: Really? Hook, literally: I am devilishly handsome yes. Neal: I'm not opposed to a threesome. Hook: Be that as it may. But understand I'm watching and you've already abandoned her once. Neal: So when you say backing off… Hook: I'm mean I’m waiting for you to screw up so I can swoop in and take advantage of the situation, yes. Neal: That's not very nice. Hook: Pirate.
Blue: Green!
Regina: Her name is Tinker Bell.
Blue: I know, I just… I'm a bitch, what can I say?
Regina: Give Tink her wings back.
Blue: No.
Regina: She helped us, she earned them.
Blue: I'm a bitch, what can I say?
So this scene is perfect. It’s Regina standing up for Tink the way Tink stood up for Regina. And the way Tink looks at her and smiles at her when she does it – they are adorable best girl friends who lost their way and are now back together and together they can rule the world!
But Blue is a bitch and says if Tink doesn’t believe in herself how is she supposed to? So, Tink decides to drown her sorrows in alcohol.
Neal, having been given the green light by Hook, heads over to ask Emma on a date. Emma flashes her yellow light because a) it’s been like an hour since they were in grave danger, b) she’s worried about Henry, and c) she has Extreme Relationship Issues at least half of which directly relate to Neal. So Neal gives her an ultimatum: he’ll be here at noon tomorrow and if she doesn’t show up he’ll never bother her again.
No pressure, right? Plus Snowing overhear and tell her she owes it to herself to give him a chance. You know what? She owes it to herself to take whatever time she needs to decide for herself what she wants or does not want to pursue. Good intentions aside, the way Hook, Neal, Snow, and Charming are trying to direct Emma’s relationship choices is gross. I think she should go get a drink with Tinker Bell and Regina. Not in any sexy or romantic way – she deserves a drink!
Anyway, Emma’s focus on something other than sexytimes reminds Charming of Snow during their honeymoon.
A Haunted Mansion
Charming: Sex now? Snow: You seriously believed we came to this deserted castle so I could do a striptease that included pulling sheets off of furniture? Charming: Well you did dress like the furniture.
Snow puts him off with promises of something special later and he heads off to stable the horses. As soon as he’s gone she pulls off her cloak to reveal armor (are we really supposed to believe Charming didn’t notice what she was wearing the entire trip here?), grabs some weapons out of a chest (are we really supposed to believe her parents just had weapons that happen to be exactly what Snowing use in battle just hanging out in a chest in their living room??) and heads into the forest. Where she is stopped by Charming who shockingly saw through her charade.
Snow: How did you know? Charming: You are wearing armor. This place is random. You don't want to have sex on our honeymoon. I'm not as stupid as I act sometimes. What's the story? Snow: When I was a little girl I overheard the servants talking about a monster who lives in these woods. She can turn people to stone with just a look. So I'm gonna cut off her head and use it on Regina. Charming: …And then sex?
Back to Storybrooke
The scene turns into a chapter of Henry’s book and I can only imagine what Panry thinks of all this. Emma tells him it’s bedtime and suggests he tell Regina good night. Good job, Emma. Regina is scared of what will happen while Henry’s out of her sight – but not in a way that patronizes Emma, so good job Regina, too. Panry asks to stay with Regina which thrills her and confuses Emma but she agrees because this scene is about good co-parenting. Snow is eavesdropping again and assures Emma it’s not about her, Henry probably just wants to sleep in the room he grew up in.
And she’s half right because we next see Panry casing the room. Henry has a nice set up but Panry wants to know where the magics are.
Panry: Hey Mom, how about we take a field trip to your vault of many things and also doom?
Regina: Why would you want to go there?
Panry: I don't feel safe! I need magic!
Regina, literally: Magic isn't the answer.
WOW. Regina, look how far you’ve come! Despite her being played by Pan I am so pleased with this scene. She promises she’ll always protect him, no matter what and says good night. Panry pops right up out of bed as soon as she’s gone to tell the wind she’s wrong, magic is totally the answer, and he sets the Shadow free.
Back in Honeymoonland
Snowing are tromping through the forest.
Snow: Are you mad at me?
Charming, literally: I fell in love with you on a troll bridge after you robbed me and hit me over the head with a rock. I knew what I was getting myself into.
Charming: That said, are you sure you want to do this?
Snow: You're on Regina’s side?!
Charming: No, I just think you are acting crazy.
Snow: I just want to stalk an unkillable stone monster I heard about twenty years ago and cut off its head to use as a weapon! That is totally sane on this show!
Charming: Yeah but you're the one who stopped Regina's execution.
Snow: That was before!
Charming: Before what?
Snow: BEFORE.
To hell with continuity! She doesn’t have to explain because they’ve arrived at the monster’s lair.
In Storybrooke
Snowing are having lunch when Rumple shows up with the cure to Charming’s nightshade problem. Rumple says it’s on the house but since they’re family now he’s sure they’ll be happy to do him a favor now and then. Good to know New Rumple is still a passive aggressive bastard sometimes (I mean that sincerely). David drinks the potion.
Snow: How do you feel?
Charming: Sex?
The themes of this episode are blatant and strange. Anyway, Snow is distracted by Neal alone in his booth. Emma didn’t listen to them and stayed away. Charming tells Snow he’s got this and heads off to find his wayward little girl.
I make fun of Charming a lot but he this is a standout episode for him and this scene with Emma is a highlight. She tells him she’s not avoiding Neal, she’s worried about Henry – he’s not acting like himself, he went home with Regina. Charming not only takes this seriously (instead of turning the conversation back onto Emma’s love life) he tells her that Henry’s been through a lot and he spent more of his life with Regina than Emma or the Charmings (good job, Charming).
Charming: You can't spend your life afraid of what what bad things might happen.
Emma: Bad things DO happen.
Charming: But so do good things. Life is made up of moments, bad ones but also good ones. Don't shut those out.
Emma: I think I'm a magnet for the bad ones.
Charming: We are, that's why it’s so important to embrace the good.
Emma: Like having lunch with Neal?
Charming: I don't know, does he eat with his mouth open?
I love that Charming makes it a (Dad) joke instead of pushing for True Love (™) or the obvious history/chemistry or bringing Henry back into it as Neal’s son. His next joke is even better:
Emma: How do I know you don’t just want to keep me away from Hook?
Charming, literally: You think I’m interested in Hook? Emma, I’m a married man.
I kinda hate the love triangle and the continued discussion of it – I might not be so over the possible relationships if the three were doing something instead of everyone ever talking about it – but that was a cute moment (™).
Hook, meanwhile is drunk and hitting on Tinker Bell.
Hook: Sex?
Tink: Seriously what is the deal with this proposition theme?
Hook: But seriously, sex?
Tink: Never gonna happen.
I like to think she would have smacked him if they hadn’t been interrupted by a scream. Hook and Tink run over and meet up with Charming and Emma. We have this obligatory discussion:
Emma: Wait a minute. It's the middle of the afternoon and you two are completely dressed and renting at Granny's so there is really no reason whatsoever for me to think you were just hooking up, pun intended, but were you?
Tink: No!
Hook: I would like you to think so.
Thankfully they are again interrupted by screaming and the three plus Snowing and Neal run over to witness the Shadow murdering Blue.
Tink asks why would the shadow kill her? and no one has a good answer. I was really scared they were going to accuse Regina because she was seen yelling at Blue but when they call her it is just to get Henry to safety.
Honeymoon Blues
Snowing are still on their honeymoon quest for Medusa’s head and I am bored. They try to trap her but instead of cutting off her head her head cuts the sword off the hilt. They realize they have to run, Charming tries to be clever, then he tries to be Captain America:
But he gets turned to stone. And the only thing I really want to know is
Why is Medusa dressed like Slave Leia?
Storybrooke Blues
So Blue is dead.
Regina: WTF?
Emma: Idk, shadow killed her.
Panry: So Pan can still get me? Mommy!
Regina: I'll keep you safe.
Emma: Go – but keep an eye on him.
Regina: I just said I would!
Emma: I know but look, something's wrong.
Regina: You're just saying that because he's asking for me. But he's asking for me because he's scared and I have protected him for years.
Emma: It's not about you!
Gah, this scene hurts. It hurts because they both have good points and are trying to continue with the good co-parenting but we know Regina is wrong and Emma is right. And Emma even calls it a gut instinct and SIGH. Anyway, Regina and Panry head to the vault and the Charmings run to Gold.
Back Again to the Honeymoon of Doom
Now that Charming is stone Snow refuses to leave him and then she has a vision in a shield/mirror. Real Regina, Vision Regina, who knows? but Shield-Mirror-Regina tells Snow she doesn’t have to do anything to ruin Snow’s life, she just has lay back and watch Snow do it herself. Snow learns the lesson AND figures out how to use the shield/mirror against the gorgon. She tricks Medusa into turning herself to stone and Charming is free.
Charming: Now I know what Fredrik felt like. How's that for continuity? Snow: I'm so sorry I almost lost you on what has to me my dumbest quest ever! How can I make it up to you? Charming: Sex!
Mr. Gold’s Shop
Gold thinks the Charmings have way too many crises (correct) but hearing the latest one he agrees to give Emma the box. They head over to the town line so they can open the box on the other side and she can use her good old fashioned gun to kill off Peter Pan.
Han: Mom!
Emma: WTF?
Rumple: Kill it now!
Han: No, I’m Henry! You gotta believe me!
Emma: Prove it.
Rumple: He can't. Henry could have told him anything. Shoot!
Emma: Life is made up of moments. Tell me about the first time we connected.
Han: We were in my castle. I told you I understood why you gave me up. To give me my best chance.
Emma lowers her gun and gives Han a big hug. Then everybody hugs everybody again.
Meanwhile Panry cases the vault the way he did Henry’s room and finds some sleeping powder. He tells Regina again how safe he feels with her and her magic. She answers she loves him and he knocks her out saying he knows, that’s why it was so easy to trick her. I appreciate this bit – and Pan does know that Regina’s love for Henry is her weakness as much as her strength.
The Honeymoon is still happening
Snowing still aren’t having sex on their honeymoon because I don’t even know or care. But Snow admits the reason she wanted to get the weapon and take down Regina so badly is she wants a baby. And she thought it would be wrong to bring a child into their battle-torn world full of monsters and witches and threats. But now she realizes it’s her responsibility to bring good into such a messed up world. Their baby is a promise and life is made up of moments and she can’t let fear rule her life. So the moments speech went from Snow to Charming to Emma to Henry and that’s cool.
Back to Storybrooke
Emma is trying to alert Regina to the Panry problem but she’s not answering her phone. Han asks Rumple to please not destroy his body if at all possible. Hook, Tink, and Neal are waiting outside the tomb with the Shadow Trap Coconut but they haven’t been able to get in. Rumple uses his magic but says it will take a while so Emma steps aside to have a little freak out. Charming acts like Emma has been watching this episode and refers to that time her mother freaked out about Regina always being after her but realized that was the wrong way to live. Emma says they’re great parents but they’re wrong.
Emma: I'm the savior. I'm magic. My price is that I never get a day off.
I have never related to Emma more than in this episode. It’s exhausting to look for happy moments when your life is constant chaos. Snowing’s relentless hope is wonderful and beautiful and works for them but they need to dial it back a bit and let Emma come to her own conclusions.
They get in and revive Regina. She asks what happened and they tell her Pan switched bodies.
Regina: And I fell for it. Snow: We all did! Regina: I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe he still needed me to be his mother. Han: I do.
I cried.
Rumple figures out Panry stole the curse (THE curse) and he explains to the crew while Panry explains to Felix: Pan will recast it, without Snowing’s True Love (™) woven in so Emma can’t break it. Everyone will forget. Time will stand still. Storybrooke will be the new Neverland.
Are you prepared for the mid-season finale?