Season Three:
Beaten back by the Lannisters, Stannis spends the season brooding and/or raging. Melisandre buys Dead King Robert’s bastard son from another branch of her fire religion and uses his blood to cast a Death spell on Kings Robb, Balon, and Joffrey. Spoiler: it works out for her.
Joffrey continues his reign of terror. Margaery does everything in her power to get him better publicity and succeeds better than anyone, but it is really a lost cause because he is terrible. Margaery also befriends Sansa and tries to marry her to Margaery’s brother Loras but the plot is disrupted by Tywin arranging Sansa’s marriage to Tyrion and Loras’s marriage to Cersei. Tywin also arranges to have Robb and his new bride, as well as his mother, his wolf, and most of his contingent, murdered at Robb’s uncle’s wedding thus ensuring that no one gets a happy ending. Arya arrives just in time to witness the carnage and be scarred for life yet again.
Theon is the prisoner of the only House more diabolical than the Lannisters: Roose Bolton’s bastard son Ramsay tortures him, tricks him, and turns him into a little more than an animal. Jaime and Brienne also fall victim of House Bolton as they make their way to King’s Landing. Jaime loses his sword hand but gains Brienne’s respect and friendship, and at least half the audience’s sympathy.
Jon flirts with joining the Wildlings in truth going so far as to lose his virginity, and his heart, to Wildling archer, Ygritte. But ultimately he chooses loyalty over love and leaves her behind. His bestie Sam also finds love with a young mother, Gilly, whom he saves from a zombie with a dragon glass dagger.
Bran Stark wanders the North on a vision quest. No one knows where Rickon Stark is.
Daenerys marches into Slaver’s Bay like she owns the place, plays at being a pretty princess with no mind for business so well it tricks her advisors, and proceeds to lay the dragon smack down in the most badass moment of the series so far.
With her mighty dragons and new army of former slaves her legend grows and people start falling over themselves to please her, and/or conspire to destroy her. If a King’s worth is measured by the number of people who love and hate him, Daenerys is winning.
Winning: Daenerys, Tywin, Jon, Ramsay
Dead: Talisa, Robb, Catelyn, Grey Wolf, hundreds of slavers
Season Four:
Joffrey and Margaery are married in the most lavish fashion possible to hide the fact that the Kingdom is broke, the Lannisters are broke, and King Joffrey is a monster. The wedding ends with Joffrey dead because that’s how weddings go on this show. Cersei sobs and vows revenge. Tyrion is arrested and imprisoned. Sansa flees. Tywin and Margaery shrug and move on to Tommen.
Tyrion is put on trial for the murder of Joffrey and uses it to rail against his family and the 1%. He chooses trial by combat and Oberyn Martell of Dorne — Dead Prince Rhaegar’s Equally Dead Wife Elia’s brother — volunteers to go up against Cersei’s champion The Mountain (go back to the pre-series note and you’ll see why this is relevant). Oberyn fights with passion and valor and loses to brute strength and basic evil. Tyrion is set to die so Jaime sets him free…and Tyrion murders their father in cold blood before taking his spot on the ship out of town.
Sansa also escapes on a ship, this one arranged by Littlefinger, who we learn conspired with Catelyn’s sister, Lysa, way back in the beginning, to murder her husband, King Robert’s Hand, Jon Arryn, and frame the Lannisters. Plot twist! Sansa has been watching the Lannisters for two years now and realizes right away that she is in no way better off than she was. So she decides to do something about it, aligning herself with Littlefinger and taking what power she can. Queen Sansa Rising.
Jon returns to the Night’s Watch and warns them of the Wildling army set to destroy them. He begs them not to rely on the Wall to save them but they only start to listen when the battle begins. Jon and his band of rebels are able to hold off the attack the first night — and are then saved by the appearance of King Stannis and his army.
Sadly, Ygritte is killed in battle and I cry forever because Jon can’t waste the time.
Daenerys continues to destroy slavers and free slaves, finally setting up shop in Mereen, presumably because ruling from a pyramid is awesome. She tries to be a just ruler who stands up for victims but quickly learns the world (especially THIS world!) is never so black and white. She banishes her closest ally when she learns he was spying on her in the beginning and chains two of her dragons when it’s discovered a rogue dragon burnt a boy. Basically she spends the season setting herself up for disaster.
Theon’s sister disobeys her father’s orders to try and save her brother, but he claims not to recognize her or be who she says he is. He helps Ramsay Snow win the North for his father, and become a true Bolton (still the actual worst House, they flay people so often it’s their sigil!).
Arya Stark wanders the world with Joffrey’s former bodyguard/nanny, The Hound, in the new best worst road trip ever. She eventually leaves him to die and boards a boat to find her assassin friend from season two.
Bran Stark wanders the North on a vision quest. He finds the old man in his vision and decides to move into a tree. No one knows where Rickon Stark is.
Winning: Tyrion, Stannis, Jon, Ramsay, Sansa
Dead: Joffrey, Oberyn, Ygritte, Tywin, The Hound and the Mountain probably (?)
Let’s end on a high note:
Sound off if you’re excited for season five!